婚姻变得痛苦时该怎么办？

婚姻变得痛苦时该怎么办？
作者：亚当斯（Jay E. Adams）

What Do You Do When Your Marriage Goes Sour?

by Jay E Adams

菲尔和艾米丽虽然请求婚姻辅导，却并非真正为了要解决婚姻中的问题而来。事实上，他们早已下定决心——要离婚。然而，他们是基督徒，也知道自己并没有圣经许可的离婚理由，因此离婚是错误的。既没有奸淫，也没有离弃，只有数不尽的痛苦与煎熬。他们内心这样盘算：“只要我们能让牧师相信继续维持这段婚姻是完全不可能的事，他或许就能告诉我们，上帝会在我们的案例中网开一面，破例不按祂的律法行事。”他们正是带着这样的心思，第一次向康宁汉牧师讲述自己的婚姻故事。

Phil and Emily had not come for help in solving the problems in their marriage although they had called the chaplain to ask for marriage counseling. Actually, their minds already were made up—they had decided to get a divorce. Yet, they were Christians and they knew that a divorce was wrong since they had no biblical grounds for it. There had been no adultery, no desertion; only untold misery. “If we can only get him to agree that going on in this marriage would be an impossibility,” they thought, “then perhaps he will be able to show us how in our case God will make an exception to His law.” That was how they were reasoning inwardly when they first told their stories to Chaplain Cunningham.

“你看，”艾米丽总结道，“我们的婚姻真的什么都不剩了。我对菲尔已经毫无感觉，根本没有任何可以重建的基础。” 菲尔也用类似的语气说道：“牧师，我想您大概很久没听到像我们这样的故事了。虽然我们在许多事上意见不同，但我必须承认，艾米丽说得没错——我们的婚姻已经完全失去了一切，我对她曾有的每一分爱如今都消失殆尽。”

他们两人都靠坐回去，带着一种不安的自信。他们内心明白离婚是不对的，但却觉得自己已经说尽了一切。毕竟，如果没有了感情、没有了爱，什么都不剩，牧师还能说些什么呢？

他们等着，希望由牧师来宣告那个最终的判断，而不是他们亲口说出：“既然你们的婚姻已经一无所有，那也只能选择离婚了。”他们渴望听到他讲出这些或类似的话，好减轻因内疚而生的不安情绪。他们真正想要的，是一份能慰藉灵魂的平安。

“So you see,” Emily concluded, “there is simply nothing left to our marriage. I don’t feel a thing for Phil anymore; there is nothing to build on.” Phil ended his remarks in a similar vein: “Well, I suppose that it has been a long time since you’ve heard a story like that chaplain. And, while we don’t agree on many things, I must say that Emily is absolutely correct when she claims that there is nothing left to our marriage—every drop of love that I once had for her has drained away.” They both sat back in an uneasy confidence, knowing down deep that divorce was wrong, but sure that they had spoken the last word on the issue. After all what else could the chaplain advise if there was no more feeling, no more love, nothing left? They waited, hoping that he, rather than they, would pronounce the final verdict: “If there is nothing left to your marriage, I suppose that there is nothing you can do but get a divorce.” They hoped that hearing him utter these or similar words would somehow remove the bad feelings triggered by their guilty consciences. What they really wanted was salve for their souls.

“我真的很遗憾听到你们目前所经历的痛苦处境，以及你们婚姻如今的破裂状态。我可以理解你们为何会来寻求帮助。当一段婚姻已经变得痛苦，而你们尽了一切努力也无法挽回它的美好时，确实需要有人来帮你们一把。你们说之间已经没有爱，也没有感觉了？那确实是件很严重的事。如果真是这样，那就只有一件事可以做了。”（“来了，”他们心里想着，“他大概要建议我们离婚了。”）“你们必须学会彼此相爱。”

“I am truly sorry to hear about your difficult times and the sorry state in which you find yourselves at present. I can understand why you have come for help. When a marriage has gone sour and you find that all of your own efforts to try to sweeten it again fail, then you do need help. You say that there is no love and no feeling left? That’s serious. Lf you don’t love each other, there is only one thing to do. (“Here it comes” they thought; “He will advise a divorce.”) You will have to learn how to love one another.”

“学着去爱？”他们几乎异口同声地反问道。“你说的‘学着去爱’是什么意思？”菲尔稍微镇定下来后问道。“对啊，”艾米丽带着讥讽的语气说，“爱怎么能学？你又不能凭空生出感觉来。”

Learn how to love?” They retorted almost simultaneously. “What do you mean learn how to love?” asked Phil as soon as he was able to regain some measure of composure. “Yeah,” offered Emily, cynically, “How can you learn it? You can’t produce feelings out of thin air.”

“我说的不是感觉，”康宁汉牧师回答，“我说的是爱。这两者并不等同，尽管好莱坞、电视和《花花公子》可能会让人误以为它们是一回事。爱不是从感觉开始的。最根本来说，爱是一种意志上的决定——决意去为别人行善，因为上帝吩咐你这样做。所以，爱的起点是想讨上帝的喜悦。爱一个人，就是愿意把你所拥有、他所需要的给予他，因为你知道那是上帝要你做的。只要有了真正的爱，感觉很快就会随之而来。”

“I was not talking about feelings” said Chaplain Cunningham. “I was talking about love. The two are not identical even though Hollywood, the T. V and Playboy might say otherwise. Love is not feeling first. Before all else it is the determination to do good for another person because God has told you to do so. Love begins, therefore, with a desire to please God. Love toward another is a willingness to give to him whatever you have that he needs, because you know that God wants you to. Where true love exists, the feeling follows soon enough.”

“嗯，这完全不是我以为你会说的。”菲尔回应道。“我也没想到。”艾米丽附和说。“说实话，”她接着说，“我对这一整套说法有些怀疑——怎么可能教人去爱？‘学会去爱’到底是什么意思？”

“Well, that certainly isn’t what I thought you would say,” Phil replied. “Nor I,” echoed Emily. “As a matter of fact,” she continued, “I’m dubious about the whole thing; how can you teach someone to love? And what does it mean to learn to love?”

“让我先解释一下圣经中所讲的爱，以及这种爱是如何能学会的。首先你要注意，圣经里到处都是上帝命令我们去爱。你总不会命令人去‘感觉’某种情绪吧？”

“Let me begin by explaining a bit about biblical love and how it can be learned. First, notice that everywhere in the Bible God commands us to love. You don’t command people to have certain feelings do you?”

“呃……？” “比方说，如果我命令：‘艾米丽，生气！’你能立刻变得生气吗？” “……我想不能。”

“Well. . . ?” “For instance, if I gave the order ‘Emily, be angry’ you couldn’t turn on anger just like that, could you?” “… I suppose not.”

“那你听听圣经是怎么说的：‘你要尽心、尽性、尽意爱主你的上帝’，‘要爱人如己’——这些都是命令。上帝命令我们去爱。如果爱是从感觉开始的，那它就不可能被命令。你明白了吗？”“我想我明白了。”菲尔说道，“但这和我们有什么关系？”

“Then, listen to these verses in the Bible: ‘Love the Lord your God. . . Love your neighbor as yourself! Those are commands; God commands love. If love were feeling first, it could not be commanded. Do you see that?” “I think that I do,” said Phil. “But what does that have to do with us?”

“一切都与这有关，菲尔。你要知道，上帝命令你爱你的妻子。听听祂借着使徒保罗所写的话：‘你们作丈夫的，要爱你们的妻子，正如基督爱教会，为教会舍己’（以弗所书5章25节）。记住，基督是为教会钉上十字架的。”

“你的意思是，我得学会去爱艾米丽，爱到愿意为她去死的地步？”

“没错！正是如此！”

“那还是算了吧，我根本不可能学会那样去爱她。”

“不，这不能算了，因为这是上帝的命令。但你也许可以从一个简单一点的层面开始。圣经也命令我们‘要爱人如己’——她就是你身边最亲近的人。你和她一起吃饭，一起睡觉……”

“我连那样都做不到！”

“我也一样，根本做不到那样去爱他！”

“Everything, Phil. You see, God orders you to love your wife. Listen to what He wrote through the apostle Paul: ‘Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her’ (Ephesians 5:25). Remember, Christ died on the cross for the

Church.”

“Do you mean that I have to learn how to love Emily enough to be willing to die for her?”

“Exactly!”

“Then, forget it; I could never learn to love her like that.”

“No, we can’t forget it because God commands it. But perhaps you could begin at a lesser level. The Bible also commands “love your neighbor—she’s the closest one that you’ve got. You eat with her, sleep with her. . . .”

“I couldn’t even love her that way!”

“And I couldn’t love him that way either!”

“我很遗憾听你们这么说，但事情仍有盼望。哪怕是在你们看来最低的层次，圣经依然命令我们去爱。上帝命令说：‘要爱你们的仇敌。’你们看，没有其他出路。你们必须学会彼此相爱——因为这是上帝的命令。”

“哦，不！”

“不！”

“是的。事实上，正因为这是上帝的命令，所以才充满盼望。祂从不吩咐祂的儿女去做任何事，而不赐下指引和能力。”

“天哪！我们是来找你帮忙脱离这段痛苦的婚姻，你反倒让我们更加无法逃避。谢谢

你——一点帮助也没有！”

“对，真的毫无帮助。”

“Well, I’m sorry to hear that, but there is still hope. The Bible also insists upon love even at what for you would be the lowest level. God commands: ‘Love your enemies.’ You see, there is no way out. You must learn to love each other; God commands it.”

“Oh no!”

“No!”

“Yes. And, as a matter of fact there is great hope since God commands love; He never commands anything of His children that He does not supply both the directions and the power to achieve.”

“Oh my! We came to you to help us find a way out of this miserable marriage and you have tied us into it even more tightly. Thanks—for nothing!”

“Yeah, nothing.”

“等一下，我还没说完。如果你们真的想摆脱这段痛苦，我可以帮助你们。但你们永远无法靠结束婚姻来找到出路。事实上，你们若走上那条路，只是在走向更大的麻烦。你们不能违背上帝，还指望事情顺利：‘悖逆人的道路是崎岖的。’你们无法靠追求平安得着平安，靠追求快乐得着快乐，也无法靠逃避来减轻痛苦。这些都是副产品，总是会躲避那些直接追逐它们的人。它们只会赐给那些专心讨上帝喜悦，而不是取悦自己的人。

你们若愿意为在心中决意结束婚姻的罪悔改，并愿意让我帮助你们学习如何遵行上帝的命令，那么，比你们所想的更快，平安与喜乐就会临到你们。”

“Hang on, I haven’t finished. If you really want to get rid of the misery, I can help you do so. But you will never find a way out by breaking up the marriage. As a matter of fact, you are only heading for greater troubles if you take that route. You can’t rebel against God and expect things to go well: “The way of the transgressor is hard.” You will never find peace by pursuing it, or happiness by seeking it or relief from misery by trying to get out from under it. These things are by-products that always elude those who chase them. They come only to those who instead focus upon pleasing God rather than themselves. If you repent of the sin that you have committed in your hearts in determining to put an end to this marriage and if you will let me help you learn how to do what God says, sooner than you have any idea, peace and joy will come.

但请让我把一件事说清楚：你们不能只是为了摆脱痛苦才去遵行上帝的命令；你们必须首先是为了讨祂的喜悦而去做。”

“我们确实想讨上帝喜悦。事实上，我们之所以来找你，就是因为我们知道自己打算做的事是错的。我们原本希望你能以某种方式让这件事变成对的，但我想那是不可能的。”

“没错，艾米丽，确实不可能。但我很欣赏你能这么坦诚。”

“可像我们这样的婚姻，真的还有修复的可能吗？当然我们最渴望看到这样的结果，但这听起来一点也不现实。牧师，你是不是说得太满了？”

“菲尔，我知道这对你听起来或许不太现实，但如果你们真心对待上帝，照着祂所说的去做，我可以向你保证——六到八周之内，你们的婚姻会像一首歌那样欢快喜乐！”

“听起来好得让人难以置信。”

But let me make one thing plain: you cannot do what God commands just to get rid of your misery; you must do it first and foremost to please Him.”

“Well, we do want to please God. As a matter of fact, that is why we came because we knew what we were planning to do was wrong. We hoped that you could make it right somehow, but I suppose that isn’t possible.”

“No, it isn’t Emily. But I do appreciate your honesty in saying what you have just said.”

“But how is it possible to put a marriage as bad as ours together again? Of course we’d like to see that most of all, yet it doesn’t seem realistic. Aren’t you promising a lot more than you can deliver, chaplain?”

“I know that it may sound unrealistic to you Phil, but if you mean business with God, and do as He says, I promise that within six to eight weeks you can have a marriage that sings!”

“That sounds too good to be true.”

“我知道这听起来确实好得令人难以置信，但我亲眼见过这种情况发生很多次，足以让我确信这是真的。不过我要提醒你们：只靠说说或下定决心是不够的。上帝不会接受那些敬虔的空话；祂要的是行动，祂要求改变。许多时候，这种改变是困难的——上帝要你们做的事，你们不一定都会喜欢。但你们还是必须照着去做，只因为那是祂的命令。你们未必明白祂为何这样吩咐，但你们仍要顺服，只为讨祂的喜悦。有一些具体的事必须去做，而第一步就是向上帝认罪，求祂赦免，然后彼此认罪，彼此饶恕。你们觉得如何？”

“我想，我们也别无他路了……”

“我愿意试试看；其实我从未真的想让我们的婚姻破裂。”

“I know it does, but I’ve seen it happen often enough to know that it is true. But, I warn you, it will not happen through talking and good resolutions alone. God will settle for no pious platitudes. He wants action; He demands change. Much of that change will be hard; you won’t always like what God tells you to do. But you must do it anyway—simply because He says so. You won’t always understand why He tells you to do what He says, but you must do it anyway—just to please Him. There are concrete things to do. And the very first is to ask God’s forgiveness, and then, forgiveness from each other. What do you say?”

“I suppose that there is no other way. . . .”

“I want to give it a try; I never really wanted our marriage to break up.”

“很好。现在让我向你们清楚说明圣经中关于爱的基本原则。我们已经看到，爱不是从感觉开始的，而是首先借着‘给予’表现出来。感觉是以自我为中心的，而爱则是以他人为中心的。请听这段经文：‘神爱世人，甚至将祂的独生子赐给他们，叫一切信祂的，不至灭亡，反得永生。’（约3:16）；‘祂爱我，为我舍己。’（加2:20）；还有我之前引用的以弗所书，那段经文说：‘正如基督爱教会，为教会舍己。’在这些关于耶稣基督之爱的关键经文中，爱都与‘给予’紧密相连，从未与‘感觉’挂钩。因此，你们必须从这里开始：学习如何给予。

“Good. Now let me make perfectly clear to you the basic biblical dynamic of love. Love is not feeling first, we have seen. Rather, it is first manifested through giving. Feeling is self-centered; love focuses upon another. Listen to this: ‘God so loved the world that He gave His unique son that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.’ (John 3:16); ‘He loved me and gave himself for me’ (Galatians 2:20); and remember the verse from Ephesians that I quoted before that contains the words ‘. . . as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.’ In every one of those vital verses concerning the love of Jesus Christ, which is the model for all love between a husband and wife, love is tied to giving, never to feeling. That is therefore where you must begin; you must learn how to give.

你们要把自己所拥有、对方所需要的，都给予对方。这并不容易，因为你们已经习惯了索取、期待和要求的模式，而不是给予的模式。这一切都必须改变。你们要学习，在对方不爱你、甚至并不可爱的时候，仍然给予。记住，耶稣基督是为罪人、悖逆的人、甚至仇敌而舍己的。你们也能这样做，因为祂吩咐我们‘要善待仇敌’。祂说：‘你的仇敌若饿了，就给他吃；若渴了，就给他喝。’祂并没有说：‘等你对他有爱意了，再给他。’不，祂只是说：‘给。’如果我们总是等到自己感觉温柔慈爱才肯给敌人一口饭吃，他恐怕早就饿死了。我们要给予——把他所需要的给他——因为上帝这样命令了，不论我们有没有感觉。”

You must give to one another all that you have that the other needs. It will not always be easy since you have developed patterns of wanting and expecting and demanding rather than patterns of giving. All of that will have to change. And you will have to learn to give even when the other party is not very loving or lovable toward you. Remember, Jesus Christ gave Himself for sinners, for rebels, for enemies. You know that you can too because

He told us to “do good” for our enemies. ‘If your enemy hungers… give’, if he thirst… give’ He said. He did not say “First, feel loving toward him, then give.” No, quite simply He said “give.” If we had to wait till we felt warm and benevolent toward an enemy before giving him something to eat or drink, the chances are that he’d die of hunger or thirst waiting. We are to give; give him whatever he needs—because God says so, whether we feel like it or not.”

“可如果我们在没有感觉的时候还为对方做这些事，那不是很虚伪吗？”

“不，艾米丽，你又是在用以感觉为中心的方式来看事情了，而不是从圣经的角度出发。虚伪不是由你有没有感觉来决定的。尽管今天有些人可能会这么认为，但你应该做的是，无论有没有感觉，都照着上帝的吩咐去行，为的是讨祂喜悦。”

“牧师，我真的不太明白你的意思，你最好解释清楚些。”

“好吧，是这样的。我今天早上做的第一件事，就是我根本不想做的事——我起床了！这让我变得虚伪吗？”

“当然不。”

“同样地，即使你没有感觉，出于爱去给予他人，也不会使你变得虚伪。除非我到处告诉人说我喜欢起床，而事实上并不喜欢，那才是真正的虚伪。如果你没有扭曲自己的真实动机，那么即使违背自己的感觉去做上帝的命令，也不算虚伪。我之所以起床，是因为我知道我对上帝和雇主有责任。你出于爱去给予配偶的理由也应该一样：因为你想讨上帝的喜悦，成为祂眼中有责任的丈夫（或妻子）。只要你不假装说‘亲爱的，我这么做是因为你对我意义重大’，那就不是虚伪。”

“But doesn’t that make us hypocrites if we do things for one another when we don’t feel like it?”

“No Emily, again you are thinking according to a feeling oriented view of life rather than the biblical one. Hypocrisy is not determined by whether you feel like doing something or not. In spite of what some people say today, you should do whatever God tells you to do to please Him, whether you feel like it or not.”

“I sure don’t understand that chaplain; you’d better fill me in.”

“O. K., it’s like this. The very first thing that I did this morning was something that I didn’t feel like doing, something that I did not want to do—I got up! Did that make me a hypocrite?”

“No, of course not.”

“Neither will it make you a hypocrite to give in love to another even when you don’t feel like it. I would be a hypocrite only if I went about telling everyone that I enjoyed getting up when, in fact, I do not. It is not hypocrisy to do something that God commands against our feelings so long as we don’t misrepresent our true motives. The reason that I get up is because I know that to be responsible to God and to my employer I must do so. The reason you give in love basically ought to be the same: because you want to please God and thereby become a responsible husband (or wife) in His sight. So long as you do not attribute your actions to false motives like, ‘I am trying to please you honey because you mean so much to me,’ no hypocrisy is involved.”

“嗯，我以前从没这样想过。不过，你刚才说我们得从饶恕开始。那如果我并不觉得想要饶恕菲尔呢？这个原则还适用吗？”

“适用的。你现在慢慢明白过来了。饶恕也不是从感觉开始的，它本质上是一个承诺。当你信靠基督、接受祂为救主时，上帝应许不再把你的罪记在你账上。这并不表示祂忘了——上帝从不会忘记任何事；意思是祂不会再翻旧账，把这些罪拿出来控告你。

同样地，当你选择饶恕对方时，你就是在作出三个承诺：

你承诺：

我不会再把这件事拿来对付你；
我不会把它告诉别人；
我也不会在心里反复回想这件事。”

“Well, I certainly never thought about it that way before. But, you said that we would have to start with forgiveness. Suppose that I do not feel like forgiving Phil? Does the same thing hold?”

“Yes, now you are beginning to catch on. Forgiveness is not feeling first either. It is fundamentally a promise. When you put your faith in Christ as your Savior, God promised to remember your sins against you no more. That does not mean that He forgets; God never forgets anything. What it means is that He never brings up those sins to use them against you again. When you forgive one another, therefore, you are promising to do three things about his wrong doings.

You promise:

I shall not use them against you in the future.
I shall not talk to others about them.
I shall not dwell on them myself.

正如你唯有开始“对他行善”才能逐渐“对他有好感”，同样地，唯一能让你最终对对方有正确感受，甚至真正忘记他对你所做的伤害的方式，就是持守你在说“我饶恕你”时所作的那三个承诺。你看，你不需要“有饶恕的感觉”才去饶恕；你只需要饶恕就行了。即使你内心完全没有那样的感觉，基督仍然吩咐我们说：如果弟兄一天七次向你说“我悔改了”，你就必须饶恕他（路17:4）。这是否让你更明白了？”

“呼——恐怕是的；我甚至觉得你解释得太清楚了！我只是觉得，无论是我还是艾米丽，我们都没有能力做到这些。”

Just as the only way to begin to feel right toward another is to begin to do right toward him, so the only way to feel properly toward another, and ultimately even to forget those wrongs that he has done to you, is to keep the threefold promise that you make when you say ‘I forgive you.’ You see, you don’t have to feel forgiving in order to grant forgiveness; you just have to forgive. Against all feelings to the contrary, Christ told us that we must forgive a brother seven times a day if he comes saying ‘I repent’ (Luke 17:4). Does that clarify things for you?”

“Whew, I’m afraid so; I’m of the opinion that it clarifies too much! I just don’t think that either Emily or I have what it takes to do these things.”

“你这样说，其实非常令人鼓舞，因为这确实不是靠你们自己的力量就能做到的事，但这也不是你们可以坐等上帝赐下力量后才开始去做的事。在路加福音同一章中，门徒听见耶稣教导他们一天要饶恕七次时，他们回应说：‘主啊，求你加增我们的信心。’这话表面上听起来很属灵，但实际上是一种看似属灵的推托。耶稣并不接受这种说法，祂回答说：‘你们若有像芥菜种那样的信心，就可以对这棵桑树说：“你要连根拔起，栽在海里”，它也必听从你们。’你明白祂的意思吗？祂是在说：‘你们，其实并不需要更多的信心。哪怕是你们已有的信心，只要在顺服中实践出来，就已经足够成就大事了。’

菲尔，你和艾米丽也是一样。你们已经得救，已经信靠了基督的死与复活，也已经历罪得赦免与永生的确据。你们里面有上帝的圣灵内住。没错，你们无法靠自己顺服，但你们也不需要依靠自己。你们所需要的一切资源，上帝早已预备好。只要你们踏出顺服的信心一步，遵行圣经中上帝的命令，祂的能力与供应都会加给你们。只要你们真诚地、祷告地、凭信心去顺服，耶稣——那位曾应许‘靠着祂，我凡事都能做’（腓4:13）的主——祂自己必会赐你们力量。事实上，这力量往往是在你动手去做的时候临到你；而那些因不顺服而坐等能力的人，往往反而无法领受。上帝的每一条命令，对祂的儿女来说，都应当成为带来盼望的源头，因为——正如我刚才所说——祂从不吩咐祂的儿女去做祂不愿赐下指引和能力的事。”

“Well, it is really most encouraging to hear you say so because this is not something that you can do in your own strength, yet neither is it something that you can sit around waiting for God to give you the strength to do before you do it. In that same chapter of Luke’s gospel, the disciples replied to Jesus’ instructions about forgiving seven times a day with these words: ‘Lord give us more faith.’ That sounded pious enough on the surface, but what it amounted to was a pious cop out. Jesus treated it with disdain. He retorted: ‘If you have faith like a mustard seed you can say to this mountain, ‘be uprooted and be planted in the sea,’ and it will obey you.’ Don’t you see what He meant? He was saying ‘You don’t need anything more. Even the faith that you have is enough to work wonders if you will only exercise it in obedience.’ The same is true of you and Emily, Phil. The two of you have been saved. You have trusted in the death and resurrection of Christ and have come to know the forgiveness of sins and the assurance of eternal life. You have the very Spirit of God indwelling you. It is perfectly true that you yourselves can’t obey. But you don’t have to do so out of your own resources. You do not need anything more. All of God’s resources are available to you already as you step out in obedience to do whatever God says in the Bible. If genuinely, prayerfully, believingly you obey God, Jesus, who promised that ‘through Him’ you can do ‘all things’ (Philippians 4:13), Himself will give you the strength. More often than not that strength comes in the doing so that those who disobediently sit around waiting for it rather than moving ahead in obedient faith to do as God requires fail to receive it. Every commandment of God should give His children hope, since—as I pointed out— God never asks His children to do anything that He does not provide both the instructions and the strength to accomplish”.

“嗯，我现在看到，其实上帝早已顾念到这些问题，远超过我原先所想。我觉得我开始看到一点盼望了；如果圣经真讲了这些，那或许它对我们其他的问题也早已有答案，远超我原本所想。”

“没错，菲尔！但我们要把这点讲清楚：圣经不只是对你们的问题‘有更多’答案，它对你们所有的问题都有完全的答案。在祂的话语中，上帝已经把‘一切关乎生命与敬虔的事’赐下给我们了（彼后1:3）。”

“好吧，我也感兴趣了。那我们要从哪里开始？下一步该怎么走？”

“Well, I can see that God has anticipated a lot more about these matters than I had thought. I believe that I am beginning to get some hope; if the Bible gives us all of this then perhaps it does have more to say about the solution to our other problems than I had ever dreamed.”

“Right Phil! Only let’s be entirely clear about this matter; the Bible doesn’t have merely more answers to your problems, it has all of the answers to all of them. In His Word,

God has given us “Everything pertaining to life and godliness’ (2 Peter 1:3).”

“Well, I’m interested too. How do we get started? Where do we go from here?”

“很好。等一下我会为你们安排一些这个星期要完成的实际操练，但要等你们已经向上帝和彼此寻求彻底的饶恕之后（而且在结束前，我也会告诉你们该如何正确地去做这件事）。不过，在我们继续之前，还有一件事我想先谈一谈。

菲尔，我们再回到以弗所书5章25节那节经文。还记得吗？上帝命令说：‘你们作丈夫的，要爱你们的妻子，正如基督爱教会。’整段经文中有一点非常明确——反复被命令去爱的，是丈夫，而不是妻子。如果你们的家中没有爱，那首先是你的责任。你必须承担起使爱在家中产生、维持，并不断成长的责任。”

“现在我也开始有盼望了！”

“Good. In a few moments I’m going to lay out some homework assignments for you to do during the week after you have sought full forgiveness from God and from one another (and I want to talk to you about how to do this properly too before we finish). But before we go any further, there is one other matter about which I want to say a word or two. Phil, let me return to that verse in Ephesians 5:25 once more. Remember, God commands ‘Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the Church?’ Well, throughout that section of the chapter, one thing is clear—again and again the husband (not the wife) is commanded to love. If there is no love in your home, then it is primarily your fault and it is your responsibility to see to it that love is generated, is maintained and grows.”

“Now I’m getting hope too!”

“我很高兴你这样回应，艾米丽，因为这段经文中也提到了与你有关的责任，我稍后会谈到。但我们先继续。保罗指出，丈夫是家中的头，正如基督是教会的头。这意味着，丈夫必须为家中是否有爱承担主要责任。作为家中的头，是带有权柄的，但我们要从它的责任谈起。总结上帝对这方面的教导，作‘头’的责任，就是在家中带领、施行那以爱为导向的领导。而这种领导，必须效法基督作为教会之爱的头所立下的榜样。

简单地说，每一位已婚的基督徒都有特权，也有责任去活出基督与教会之间的那种关系。菲尔，你很清楚，最先施爱的是基督，而不是教会。正如约翰一书4章19节所说：‘我们爱，因为上帝先爱我们。’而且，这爱完全是出于恩典；我们里面没有任何可取之处值得祂这样做。是祂凭着自己的旨意，决定将祂的爱赐给我们。

所以菲尔，当你觉得很难去表达爱的时候，要记得：上帝爱我们也并非轻松之事。”

“I’m glad about that Emily, because there are responsibilities pertaining to you in the passage also. I shall get around to those in time. But, to continue, Paul points out that the man is the head of his home as Christ is the Head of the church. That means that He is primarily responsible for seeing to it that there is love in the home. Headship has its authority, but we shall begin with its responsibilities. To sum up what God says, headship is the responsibility to take loving leadership in the home. And this leadership must follow the model provided by Christ in His loving headship over His church. In short, every married Christian has both the privilege and the obligation to exhibit the relationship between Christ and the Church. And Phil, you know very well that it was not the church that first reached out to Christ in love. Indeed, in 1 John 4:19 we read ‘We (the church) love because He first loved us.’ And, incidentally, that love was out of pure grace; there was nothing in us to commend us to God. He, of His own volition determined to set His love upon us. So Phil, whenever you find it difficult to show love, remember that it was not easy for God either.”

“我一直渴望在家中承担带领的角色，但从来不知道该如何开始。”

“而我也一直盼望他能承担起作头的责任。”

“好，在我给你们安排的操练中，这一周你将有许多具体的行动可以切实开始实行。现在，艾米丽，虽然上帝并没有要求你把‘爱’作为你家庭角色的核心，但祂确实命令你要顺服：‘教会怎样顺服基督，妻子也要怎样凡事顺服丈夫。’（弗5:24）现在让我来解释这节经文的意思。我想你会发现，这条命令中其实藏着一些令人惊讶的亮点。事实上，今天人们常说的‘成就感’，其实正是在这条顺服之路中得着的。首先……”

你读到这里，应该已经看出——这确实是有盼望的。菲尔和艾米丽只是今年众多在真正的基督信仰辅导中重获婚姻帮助的夫妻之一。你的婚姻呢……是不是也开始变得苦涩了？有盼望。但这盼望，只能在基督里找到。

“I’ve always wanted to be the head of my home, but I’ve never known how to begin.”

“And I’ve wanted him to assume the responsibilities of headship.”

“Well, in the assignments that I shall give you, there will be plenty for you to do to that will give you a good start this week. Now Emily, while God does not require love of you as the essence of your role in the home, He does insist upon submission: ‘As the church is subject to Christ, so let wives also be subject in everything to their husbands’ (Ephesians 5:24). Now let me explain what this means. I think that you are going to discover that there are some surprises connected with this command. As a matter of fact, the road to the fulfillment that we hear so much about today lies in this valley. To begin with. . . “

You have read enough to know that there is hope. Phil and Emily are just two of the thousands who this year will find help for their marriage from truly Christian counseling. How about your marriage… has it begun to turn sour too? There is hope. But that hope can be found nowhere but in Christ.